Stars Over Hogwarts
by Noir Lime Canuto
Summary: Ron finds himself madly in love with Seamus, but is he the only one? Will Ernie MacMillan ever find the girl of his dreams? Who is Dean Thomas plotting to kill, and why? These questions and more answered in an intense, dramatic tale. Parody
1. Ron's Crazy Closet Adevntures

_**Disclaimer:** No copyrightinfringement is intended. I am in no way afiliated with J.K. Rowling._

_**Note:** No character's were killed in the making of this FanFiction...they were just hideously transformed until unrecognisable, which is, admitedly, perhaps a worse fate._

**Stars Over Hogwarts**

_The ridiculously dramatic tale of the intricate, intertwining lives of the talented, magical students who did stuff._

"You know, I think you should really go out with Hermione."

It seemed like an innocent enough thought. But how could I tell him? How could I let Harry know that it would never be? I opened my mouth to speak, but I felt something holding me back. Usually, when I'm held back, two people have to grab me to stop me from punching someone. But right now was like... I don't even know how to describe it. Can words describe such restraint? My mouth was dry. Then my stomache, taking it's cue from my dry mouth, decided that it was time to just give up and go absolutely nuts, flipping all over the bloody place. I figured my mouth was dry and my stomache was acting all weird because I was thirsty.

Oh, oh how wrong I was. If I had a time-turner, and could reverse everything, would I? Probably not, I'd have better things to do. But boy did that I'm-thirsty-not-speachless thing not work out for me.

Anyway, as soon as I'd swallowed the pumpkin juice, my stomache felt worse, and I just sort of blurted out to Harry, "I can't. I'm gay. I'm madly in love with Seamus."

I know, I know. Probably the worst way to say it. But what could I say, huh? That I can't help but notice how his sandy blond hair falls perfectly into his eyes? The way he acts before he thinks, just like me, except when he does it it's kind of attractive? How when he gets all passionate about Quidditch, I get all passionate about him? Yeah, no, wasn't gonna say that. But Harry took it rather well.

"Oh," he said, turning a shade of red that I'm sure didn't rival the hue of my ears that moment, "Right. Um, I didn't, I mean, it's just I always though, you know..."

"That's alright,"I told him, "I get it. You think I'm a freak. You know what? You're just like those Death Eaters. They hate Mudbloods, and you hate Homosexuals. Well, I don't even care, ok? Why don't you just tell Seamus, huh? Tell him I'm madly in love with him for me, ok? So he can shun me, too? Yeah, do that for me." Harry looked like he was going to say something else, but I didn't care. I'd had enough. I grabbed one last, delicious, tender, juicy chicken leg and I stormed away. I could hear him calling after me, something about Dumbledoor and Sirius Black and complete acceptance towards gays. Just more hate-speach. I was done with it. Done with him. I'd had enough.

Now, don't hate me for this next part, okay? I had no one else to turn to. And it really was a chance meeting, I promise. I was walking, left, right, left, right, trudging up the steps to the common room. The Fat Lady asked for the password and I had to say it twice, because my voice broke, weighed down by my heartache, the first time, and she didn't quite understand me. I walked through the hole and realised I wasn't alone. There, sitting on the couch, was Lavender Brown.

"Ron, are you alright?" Of course I wasn't alright. My best friend hated me. I loved a handsome, handsome man who'd never love me back. I didn't know what to say, so I decided I'd think of something really clever to through her off.

"Your first and last name are both colors." It worked. She looked really confused, probably wondering how I'd figured it out so well.

"Ron, sit down and tell me what's wrong. Girl troubles?" I couldn't bring myself to say no, so I nodded and sat down beside her, blessed girl.

"It's just... I really like someone, and Harry doesn't understand."

"Hermione?"

"No."

"Oh. Continue."

"Right. So this person, they're... they're just bloody amazing, you know? Like they have the most beautiful eyes," Lavender batted her eyelashes, as if her eyes could compare to Seamus', "And their hair is just... well it's the color of warm sand, and it always smells nice, and it falls just the right way, and--" but before I could continue Lavender thoughtlessly interrupted me.

"Listen, Ron," she began, playing with her blond braid, "You're really nice, and all, it's just, I sort of like someone else. It's great that you like my eyes, but I mean, I like Seamus."

_**~x~**_


	2. A Pregnant Patil

_** Disclaimer:** No copyrightinfringement is intended. I am in no way afiliated with J.K. Rowling._

_** Note:** No character's were killed in the making of this FanFiction...they were just hideously transformed until unrecognisable, which is, admitedly, perhaps a worse fate. Please, please, please don't try and take this seriously, it'll probably kill you..._

Stars Over Hogwarts_ Chapter Two: A Pregnant Patil_

Some guys don't take it well when I turn them down. I know what you must be thinking, and yes, I do have to turn down a lot of guys. I can only date just one, you know? It's terribly hard being Lavender Brown... having everyone love me all the time... Anyway, Ron took it particularly hard. I tried to go easy on him, though.

"Listen, Ron," I began kindly, playing with my shamelessly blond braid, "You're really nice, and all," which was mostly true, "It's just, I sort of like someone else," which was completely true. "It's great that you like my eyes," and who could blame him? "But, I mean, I like _Seamus_."

It sort of felt good to finally say it, even if it was only to Ron. Except, that warm, fuzzy feeling went away as soon as Ron's face turned the color of tomato sauce and his fists got all clenched and he stood up all angry-like (and he wonders why I'm not attracted to him).

"You _what_!" he shouted.

"Merlin, Ron!" I screamed back at him, "Just because you're jealous-"

"_Jealous_?" he screamed stupidly.

"Yeah, _jealous_!" I repeated.

"Please, like Seamus would ever like _you_!"

That's when I lost it. I mean, really? He totally lost control first. Anyway, I took out my wand, and he took out his (it was really short, I should point out) and we started throwing hexes around.

The fight went on for nearly a half an hour before Parvati came in crying and we stopped fighting. I'd hit Ron with a spell that made it so he couldn't talk, so he just sat there dumbly as I comforted her.

"Parvati, what's wrong?" I asked. I hoped that this time I'd get a good response, because I really couldn't handle another duel today.

"I got into a fight with Padma... she's not speaking to me anymore."

"Why not?"

"I called her a harlot."

"Why?" I'm not the best at comforting people, but sometimes just the sound of my voice helps. I know it helps me.

"Because—you wouldn't believe it—she's _pregnant_!"

I gasped, and Ron's jaw dropped silently.

"Who's the father?" I couldn't help asking as I brushed a few tears away from her cheeks.

"_Neville_ _Longbottom_!" As she said it, the very boy walked into the room. Parvati walked over and slapped him.

"I deserved that," he mumbled, almost tripping over his own feet.

"Damn right you did! What were you thinking?" I glanced over at Ron as we watched silently. He seemed to have forgiven me, at least for the time being.

"I-I dunno. I mean, _obviously_, I, well, she's not pregnant on_ purpose_, and, well, you know..."

"You're lucky she doesn't want you dead! I swear, Longbottom, the moment she changes her mind-" Neville flinched and Parvati slapped him across the face, then stormed upstairs.

"I'm gonna go talk to her," I muttered sweetly, and followed her out.

_**~x~**_


End file.
